Monday, April 24, 2006

In Between Sips Of Tea...

There are times when I think I'm not a very good person.

Usually this happens whenever I'm thinking of murdering certain people. Not seriously of course, I'm no psychopath.

There are times when I'm thinking such vindictive thoughts, wanting to inflict pain to certain people, when they've done something to irritate. I imagine scenarios where I'm scalping someone with a butter knife, or poking them to death with a blunt needle. *sigh*

I don't mean them really. They're just... vents.

Seriously though, there are situations where I can't help but remember the bad things a person's done to me, even though I've forgiven them, and it makes me angry. Is that a case of forgiving and not forgetting, or was I lying to myself when I say I'd forgiven them? I'm pretty sure I wasn't, but sometimes I do wonder.

I really try not to think these thoughts, cause I think they cause ME pain eventually. Sure it feels good to think that I'd wring someone's neck when I'm thinking it. But then when that's over I feel so bad about it, the I-have-to-take-a-shower-to-clean-myself kind of bad.

I try to make myself feel better when it happens by saying "Hey, at least I did it in my imagination and got it all out. Now I don't need to do it for real!" And so far, I have no dead bodies to my name. I am proud to say so.

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