Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The Clouds

Today, I'm feeling just like the weather outside. Enough clouds around to block a lot of the sun.

That isn't to say I'm not happy. I am. Just... mellow. Let me try and figure out why.

First, is probably because I've been thinking about some things that I shouldn't be thinking about. The past is exactly that. I know this. Maybe this past year I've been so content that I didn't realise my mind was getting lax and all these old memories surfaced. A lot of them were actually very nice to reminisce, but some make me wish I had partial amnesia or something. I AM over these things, but thinking about them, remembering how they made me feel at that point in time, just messes me up. I kinda get to thinking things like "Oh, why the hell did I do that?" and feeling ashamed of myself for doing/feeling/reacting in the ways I did. It's all good I guess, you have to keep looking at it from the lighter side of things. At least now I now what to do or what the outcome may be if things like that happen again. Let's hope I remember all this when I jump in a similiar boat next time. *fingers crossed*

Then I have the seemingly endless waiting for that moment I can actually have a daily schedule without actually planning anything. Study. *chuckles* Who would've thought I'd be this bummed cause classes are so far away? We all know how I'll be griping about those very classes before my first semester is over. But waiting! Argh! I've never been a patient one. I've always been an instant gratification kind of person you know? It's hard for me to sit still. Well, at least sometimes. There are things that I don't mind waiting for. =) The difference? That's something for another entry.

Then there's the fact that I haven't seen most of my friends in so long. I feel depleted. Not totally. Never totally, cause I have my family and God with me always. But, I am, somewhat. There are only so many things you can talk about on the phone. It's not the same. Plus, we only have so much credit. *chuckles* Hopefully, once I get to KL, I WILL be able to see a lot of them, since most of them are around there anyway. But with different schedules and all it might be hard to meet up. We'll see.

I love this. It's all so therapeutic. Not totally, cause I still have emptied my negativity wholly, but I will when I get my hands on my diary. To purge any excess. I'm telling you, if anyone ever gets their hands on my diary... *chuckles* Very dangerous. I need to get a safebox somewhere.

So, I'm wondering if the weather outside is any different. I'm feeling sunny now. I hope it is outside too.


Twyla said...

You know what's freaky? I'm in the midst of writing a post about the past...
Fuhreaky Deaky

Cherane said...

Diary and journals. One day they will get published. I hope by then I'm dead or too shameless at the time. :D

Haizum said...

*chuckles* Right on Cher.