Getting There

I suddenly realized that by this time next year, I won't be a student anymore. Now while that brings me immense satisfaction (no more classes, no more sharing the classes with idiots who only attend to make idiotic jokes, no more assignments) it makes me think about my plans and actually having to act on them.

When you're one step away from something doing what you really want to do, you're so fired up. You talk about it to anyone, anytime you get the chance. You're so sure of it that you can feel yourself actually being there: if you listen carefully, you can hear the chatter of your customers as they sip their sodas; if you close your eyes and concentrate, you can smell the aroma wafting from the kitchens, the feel of the counter under your fingertips; you open your eyes and you can see the colours of the walls, that lamp you handpicked perfectly lighting that cozy little corner and the cozy not-so-little sofa you chose to put there. You know it's beautiful. You know it's going to work.

But then, the closer you get to that point, the bigger your doubts are. Can I really do it? Will it work? Are people gonna like it? How long is it going to last? And proportionately, the more you want it, the more you worry.

I guess it helps to know that what you're going to do is something that you're passionate about it. Passion helps. It isn't the money or the fun, though I'm not an idiot. I know having money and fun are a close second, but they're not going to be around all the time. Passion is what keeps you going. It's like knowing you're going to have to go through a weekend rush to KL, in the LRT, where you're definitely going to be swamped between everybody and their grandmother, having to endure sweat and noise and most possibly that person next to you who, for some apparent reason, hasn't heard of the existence of deodorant. And for what? For that perfect pair of stilettos that you saw last week. Passion is what it's all about people. When everything else bails on you, that is what's gonna make you suck it all up and stay.

That said, passion can wane. It's like your body. Feed it, and you'll grow (though I know some of us resent this fact). Ignore it, and you become an ugly old crone. Kidding. But really, ignore it, and nothing good will come of it. It'll either get sick on you and you die, or you get emaciated and you die, or you just die. The point is, passion doesn't burn on its own. It needs fuel. What kind would depend on what gets your juices flowing. For some, it might be to get away from it all, for others maybe to surround yourself with people. And maybe, for some of us, all that's needed is sugar. A lot of sugar.

Whatever the case, it's scaring the crap out of me. Even though I had the bed and breakfast before, that wasn't really my dream. It was someone else's. I just happened to have the time to help them out. I was more like a babysitter. This time next year, I'll be a mom (not literally, no). Though the prospect of creating and nurturing something wholly mine is exciting as it is daunting. When the time comes, you'll probably be getting more gripe-posts than ever. :S

Well, now that that's all out, I can go back to sleep. :D